The company that I work for set a six month goal. If, now, five months from round about this week we haven’t met it I’ve set options for myself. Both options involve isolation. My most successful period of time creatively was in complete isolation. It’s there I will return, not to Vieques, but to starting over alone.
One option, the more depressing of the two, I refuse to even address. The second option is attached to my view in mind to visit a friend in Milan around that time. It would provide the perfect opportunity, after a friendly visit, to disappear completely. I can write anywhere.
Recently I’ve struggled with really intense anxiety and I finally understand why. I’ve always bee spastic, but enjoyably so. Looking stressed in turn stresses others. The medicine I am on is not a stabilizer, it’s a heightener. Its aim is to antidepress but what it is doing is intensifying phobias and paranoias. This, as my mother has explained, is why I am once again craving antianxiety medication. My heightener is not elevating, but swinging me. Rapid cycling.
I’m no addict, but having bounced from zoloft to lithium to the range of medications I am supposed to be on (one of which I do take) I do not know when I am being normal or exaggerating.
My company will make it, so I don’t have to worry about my first ever flight instinct. In the meantime, what do I do about keeping my mind whole for the fight?
